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Howlers
Every once in a while a typo, grammatical weirdness, or malapropism that I see in ordinary life will evoke in my twisted mind an irresistible image. Here are some of my favorites.
Typos
"That computer
had only 2MB of memory. I forge the model."
(He holds the chip in the fire, he says, until it becomes red hot...)
from an email conversation, with a friend who has since
died
"Don't the states
have a notional guard?"
(Thought police?)
from a newsgroup posting
"I love him deerly."
(You'd think she'd feel sheepish about that.)
from a post on an email list
"...your knowledge of the dui decimal
system has no barring if the library is
closed."
(The Dewey Decimal System for online searching via GUI?)
(Actually,
if it were the "dui" decimal system you knew, I think it would bar
you from using the library.)
from a post on an email list
Grammatical Weirdness
"Attract men with
bigger breasts!"
(Why would I want a man with bigger breasts?)
from a spam email message
"Faith Overcomes Ministries"
(I've always heard that faith can move mountains, but if it can overcome ministries it must be really powerful!)
a sign on a building in Fayetteville, NC
"[The Company's]
Microsoft Employee Purchase"
(I'd rather purchase an Apple employee, thanks.)
from a company-wide email broadcast
"Most low fares
made easy"
(Some low fares are made difficult?)
from an Orbitz.com email
"Ben Speaks Out
for Fair
Trade on CNN"
(What, CNN doesn't practice fair trade?)
from an email promoting a political candidate
"NOTICE: If received
in error, please destroy
and notify sender."
(But wouldn't it make more sense to notify the sender before destroying
him or her?)
from a company's disclaimer automatically added to employees' outgoing email
messages
"...a supervisor
... would only agree to e-mail a
manager who doesn't work weekends about it"
(What does the manager work weekends about?)
from a note posted to comp.risks
Malapropisms
"Desperate to avoid
surgery to fuse my vertebrates..."
(Wiggling ball of backboned critter, with appendages akimbo: Here a fin, there
a wing, everywhere an arm arm...)
from a post on an email list
"Some examples
of possible complimentary popup
dialogs"
("You're beautiful!" OK Cancel Help)
("Your designs are brilliant! Want a 100% raise?" Yes No Cancel)
from a US Government user interface standard
"A user must be
able to compare existing records for duplicity."
(We knew the government was full of deceit, but we never had any idea
that software could help expose it!)
from a government system requirements spec
"Another sign on
the building is
labeled 'Harris Tower.'"
(Shades of Through the Looking Glass ["the name of the song
is called..."])
from the online directions to a US Government
facility
"This forum is
a minefield of
information."
(Better be careful what you read here!)
from a Usenet newsgroup; the poster clearly meant "gold
mine"...
"... it is because
of an obstacle illusion caused
by your bias."
(He thinks the obstacle is in the way, but it isn't.)
from a posting on a discussion forum
"We are neither rapidly conservative nor rapidly liberal."
(Isn't "rapidly conservative" a contradiction in terms??!)
from a posting on a discussion forum
"FTP site file transference"
(I've heard of hating your web site, but isn't this taking it a wee bit
too far?)
from an email to a list
Mixed Metaphors
"I haven't seen anything that cuts the muster…"
(Will someone please pass the mustard?)
from a comment on a blog
And the Simply Unbelievable
What Microsoft thinks "information" means:
(in-credible!)
a dialog box in Microsoft Word X for Macintosh
(and it's in Word 2004, too!)
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Last updated 5 March 2007, to add a howler